


kiss me and you will see how important i am

by Norachandrabbles (orphan_account)



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Different First Meeting, Getting Together, Light Angst, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Purple Prose, Romantic Fluff, in one chapter though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-17
Updated: 2016-07-17
Packaged: 2018-07-24 06:53:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7498440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Norachandrabbles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Literature is what brought them together, how they will stick to each other further on is the problem.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [starsupernova](https://archiveofourown.org/users/starsupernova/gifts).



> I hope you'll have fun reading it like I did when writing!

First, their hands meet; then their eyes. Their whispering "I'm sorry!"s overlap as they instinctively let go and step back. The stranger breaks their 5-second long awkward silence.

"Please go on, I can get the English version."

Kuroo throws a hesitant glance the stranger's way while the other is baring his teeth and handing over the novel they just synchronously made a move on.

"Um," Kuroo timidly starts speaking, "maybe there's another copy?"

"No, there isn't."

The confidence and definiteness in the answer startles Kuroo.

Apparently, it shows in his expression,  because the stranger chuckles and continues to explain,"I know this aisle by heart." His lips squeeze into a half pucker accompanied with a humorous frown while he adds an 'unfortunately' at the end.

Kuroo's gaze curiously shifts along the aisle. He wanted to read a Jane Austen novel after watching a movie adaptation of Pride and Prejudice but English wasn't his strong suit so he went for a translation. There were Charles Dickens, Oscar Wilde, James Joyce along Jane Austen, making Kuroo guess.

"Are you possibly an English Literature major?"

He bites his tongue, cursing himself for accidentally voicing out his guess. Now the conversation prolongs.

"Yeah, senior year, good guess! And you?"

"I-uh. I'm majoring i-in fine arts," he stutters.

"Cool!"

" _We are whispering yet this guy manages to be loud,_ " is one of the first impressions of Kuroo gets concerning the guy. Before this drags along too much and Kuroo falls late, he starts speaking again.

"So, is it really okay? I wouldn't want to cause you problems."

"Not at all, I was trying to take a shortcut by getting the Japanese version anyway, you're doing me a favor."

The boy’s laughter dies and stares at Kuroo's face a second longer, making him fidget.

"Is there something on my face?" Kuroo whispers as he slowly touches his own cheeks with his fingertips.

It's obvious his question catches the stranger off guard, he sways his fingers in between them, shaking his head.

"I just thought I saw you before, is all."

" _Maybe at the cafe I'm working part time? Though I am mostly at the back, working in the kitchen._ "

This time, thankfully, Kuroo manages to keep the thought himself. Instead, he lowers his eyes to the novel, still in the stranger's hand. Kuroo reaches for the book after readying his student ID, he gently nods to the guy while the other grins and waves his wide hands like a child. He leaves the stranger in the aisle and walks towards the front desk. Handing over the book and his ID, he registers his name into the system and leaves library urgently.

As he makes his way towards the cafe, where he will barely make it to his shift, he tries to remember if he has ever seen the guy there.

" _He's pretty noticeable; as tall as me, white hair with blackish strands, amber/gold eyes, huge build. I don't pay too much attention to the customers, I would recognize him otherwise._ "

The thought of dealing with serving or the register churns Kuroo's stomach a little. After a year of struggle with depression and mild anxiety, losing a school year to boot, he's on his way to recovery. He still feels anxious when he has to interact with total strangers, that's why he requested dealing with cleaning, washing dishes, or helping out in the kitchen. However, after a little bit of space and time -pushing himself included- he can open up and take a step towards being friends.

There are times he thinks this state of mind is not fabricated by his anxiety; on the contrary, it's the _natural_ thing to feel.

" _Isn't it the logical course to warm up to others in time?_ "

Then there comes a stranger like _him_ and it throws Kuroo off balance, he feels awfully wrong and as an underachiever.

" _I suppose, he is the role model I should aspire to be..._ "

Kuroo is almost sure he won't ever be capable of smiling that sincerely to a stranger.

 

Just like that, his mind wanders in between questioning his character traits one time, others' traits the next. He knows he has to put these thoughts behind him temporarily, otherwise he’ll get clumsy and cause problems for others while at work.

Upon entering, Kuroo quietly greets his coworkers, goes into the back and puts on the apron. Right when he walks towards the kitchen where dirty plates arch like the Pisa Tower, their manager Saeko appears at her office door, calling for him. A slight fear of being accused of being late or a fault of any type crosses his heart, making it skip a beat. Hoping his face isn’t showing his concerns, he follows the manager.

"How are you doing today, Kuroo-kun?"

With her ever bright smile and undying energy, she's sitting at the edge of her desk.

"I'm okay sir, thank you."

"Good to hear. Look, I understand your situation but I need your help. Ryuu had to take urgent leave today and I need to join him for an hour, meaning you have to take care of the register until I come back! Think you can handle that? It was on such short notice, please bear with me."

"No problem sir, I -I think I can do it."

"You do remember how to use POS machines, right?" Saeko beams.

"Yes." Kuroo's eyes lower as he laces his fingers in front. "I'm thankful for your understanding, honestly."

"Now now, please don't say that!" Saeko gets up and smacks Kuroo's shoulder joyously. "We have to support each other, right? I'll be out between 5 and 6. After that, you can go back to your usual duties."

Kuroo smiles; half nervous, half trying to be encouraging. Probably because her appearance doesn't fit into the 'proper adult' category, others find her intimidating and unreliable, though the only unreliable aspect of hers is her deadly driving skills. Saeko is one of the most compassionate, understanding, funniest and brightest women he knows.

"Alright. Have a nice day, Saeko-san."

"Don't push yourself so much, Kuroo-kun."

Kuroo shuts the office door lightly after leaving. He slides his hand under the apron, taking out his phone that's been ringing continuously. Without looking at the screen, he knows who's been calling him desperately, he declines the call, making a mental note on blocking the number altogether. It's 4 o'clock, he has another hour to calm his mind before he goes to the front.

Of course, time passes in the blink of an eye. Kuroo hears his phone's alarm beeping, reminding him of his coffee break. Drying his hands with a paper towel, he takes the phone from the shelf and heads towards the staff's restroom. If he's going to stand at the register, he has to at least resemble a human.

He takes off the red bandana and ruffles his hair, stuck on his scalp. His hair never fails to draw a groan out of him.

**_A wild beast appears._ **

Kuroo takes the small, plastic brush he carries in his backpack.

**_Kuroo uses brush._ **

First, he takes out the pins he uses to fix his bangs because the bandana is no solution to tame _it_. This time, he changes his methods and attacks the beast in the most random directions with the brush. The Beast puts up a great fight, yet Kuroo is determined.

**_Kuroo uses hairspray. Spray paralyzes the beast._ **

"Yeah, take that!"

The moment words come out, he realizes he actually shouted that out. His empty hand immediately covers his mouth, eyes fixed on the door to see if someone is coming. He stands still like that for a mere second, then continues to work on the beast.

God bless Saeko, she's the one who introduced Kuroo to this spray conditioner, it really softens the hair and enables the brush to actually _move_ ... Kuroo takes this chance, it's now _kill or get killed_ , and attacks last time. Much to his dismay, the beast heals pretty fast and returns to its previous state. Once again, Kuroo is left with his unconquerable bed head, ready to drown his sorrows in a cup of decaf Americano.

He takes off the nylon apron he wears during washing up and takes a red, cotton one from the stack. Wrapping the strings around his waist, he fixes his black polo shirt and looks one more time at the mirror. He knows it's not the best time to get sentimental, however, he remembers the first day he started working here... Huge bags under his eyes, sunken cheeks, a body so thin that almost became see through. Now, the image looking back at Kuroo in the mirror is much more healthy (minus the bedhead) and alive, he gained weight and built up some muscle. Getting more confident after reminiscing about the 'good old days', he advances towards the front.

The cafe is as bright and chipper as always, it's situated right outside of the campus after all. The last class ends at 5, that's when the students pour out from their classrooms and fill the cafe's small, round tables with their loud cheers or notes and textbooks along with their serious study faces. Kuroo _knows_ this scene happens almost everyday of the week but what he witnesses are the muffled noises and his coworkers' shouts reaching the kitchen at the back. Today will be his first time to fully experience the front and actually see the customers rather than hearing their orders or clean their empty plates.

If he were to make an analogy, it feels like coming out of a cave for Kuroo. Timidly walking towards the counter, he sees Saeko taking her last orders, ready for Kuroo to take over.

After his first ten minutes, he already feels tired but he performs better than he gave himself credit for. He has trouble with keeping up a steady smile and that sometimes earns him strange glares or giggles but he knows this is the best he can manage now, so he doesn't mind.

Another half an hour and all the commotion dies. Kuroo is now just sitting at the counter and idly watching his surroundings. He almost dozes off when a loud cheer causes him to fall from the stool.

"Whoa! the Jane Austen guy!"

Kuroo blinks at the huge grin he first saw at the library. Stranger leans on the counter with his whole upper body.

"I knew I've seen you somewhere before! But it's my first time seeing you at the register."

Kuroo fails to grasp what is there to get this excited about their situation.

"Yeah, um. I normally work in the kitchen. "

Stranger extends his hand. Kuroo reluctantly follows suit.

"I'm Bokuto Koutarou."

"Kuroo Tetsurou." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now with art!! Please stop by and explore my dear friend's Tumblr if you haven't, she's gorgeous!!


	2. Chapter 2

Their meeting happened in an instant, just like how their past month passed. It is always Bokuto coming to the cafe with his close friends and looking for Kuroo and Kuroo spends more time at the front due to their meetings. They don't talk much, just 'How are you?'s or 'We had so much homework this week.'s thrown into their conversations. Almost every Friday, at the end of their conversation, Bokuto orders filtered coffee for himself and various other things for his friends and pays everything because he had lost some stupid bet during the week. It is either chugging down 2 liters of soda, jumping off from the window on a bed mattress or eating the spiciest ramen without water. Overall, he never fails to amuse Kuroo.

There's another point Kuroo notices; at first, he thought he would be annoyed by Bokuto's frequent visits but he's actually not.

As if there is an invisible barrier between them, Bokuto never crosses that line. Yes, he visits almost every day, chats with Kuroo, always about the smallest things, never too personal. Kuroo doesn't know if it's intentional or not. Maybe he's like Kuroo, or just sees Kuroo's reluctance and hits his own breaks. Nevertheless, Kuroo's so thankful because this type of interaction is new and refreshing for him. Normally people either completely stay away, thinking he's gloomy or try to get too friendly and when Kuroo doesn't respond with the same enthusiasm, they think he's distant. Both are very uncomfortable for him, Kuroo feels safer and better if he takes his steps slowly and carefully.

And that's exactly what Bokuto does.

Kuroo learns small bits about Bokuto and exchanges some of his. For example, he likes listening to music a lot, to a point he sometimes leaves his laptop on with his favorite band playing in the background during sleeping. He prefers salty things like crackers over desserts. Kuroo, once, overheard that Bokuto wasn't good with alcohol and he would immediately try to dance on a table when he's drunk. There are also small details Kuroo catches on, details that Bokuto doesn't mention verbally, like he gets itchy when wearing woolen sweaters or he has a habit of chewing the edge of the paper containers after finishing his coffee.

He feels a light tap on his shoulder like a wake-up call and fidgets at the touch. Upon turning, he makes eye contact with Ryuu.

"Are you tired, Kuroo-san? You have been staring into the distance for a while." Then, Ryuu turns towards the table Kuroo's locked his gaze on. "Oh sorry, that group's your friends? The spiky hair you always chat with is amongst them too."

Kuroo feels uneasy at the thought of being misunderstood in any way, he rushes to explain and opens his mouth but Ryuu cuts him off with a firm squeeze on the shoulder and a warm smile.

"I was just making a comment, you don't need to explain yourself."

Kuroo awkwardly smiles back; half relieved, half tense. As he heads back to the kitchen, his gaze curiously turns, once again, towards the lively group of Bokuto and his friends.

" _My own pace,_ " he shakes his head, " _I need to go at my own pace._ "

 

**

 

Five minutes before his shift ends, he hears Ryuu's calling out to him.

"Hey Kuroo-san, the spiky hair is asking for you."

Kuroo whines as he takes off his apron.

"He has a name Ryuu-san, what if he hears you!"

Ryuu playfully shrugs as he leaves the kitchen, Kuroo following suit. He finds Bokuto in his usual place, leaning over the counter.

"If I remember correctly, you're finished with your shift," Bokuto starts talking in a rush. "How was work?"

Since Bokuto doesn't come to talk to him for a second time during the day, Kuroo expects something to come up.

"It was normal, nothing unusual. But... How did you know my schedule?" Kuroo mumbles, scratching his nape.

"You mentioned it a couple of days ago, was it strange of me to bring it up?" Bokuto raises a brow, causing furrows on his forehead.

"No, not at all. I just - I didn't expect you to remember." Kuroo almost murmurs. "Never mind me, what did you want?"

"Oh, yeah. We were planning on catching a movie and I wanted to know if you'd like to tag along?"

Kuroo's gaze shifts slightly towards Bokuto's friends, trying to find a suitable excuse.

" _Spending hours with four outgoing people, after a long day of work? No thank you._ "

He wishes so hard to be blunt at times. However, Bokuto is a kind person, respects Kuroo's personal boundaries too. He doesn't want to be rude.

"Thanks for considering but I have some assignments to finish and need to be at home, so..."

"It won't take too long, I promise!" Bokuto insisted. "It's a comedy movie and to be frank, you look a little bit tired, maybe the movie would help you unwind."

Kuroo is taken aback with Bokuto's first-time persistence. Bokuto catches up immediately and rushes to explain.

"Sorry if I pestered you, we'll be leaving in 10 minutes if you're up to it."

Bokuto shyly smiles and turns back to meet his friends, leaving the other at the register. Kuroo pours himself coffee in a paper cup and goes back to get his belongings, giving himself some time to come up with the best option. Something that's in everyone’s best interest.

He doesn't want to upset Bokuto and that seems to be his priority. He went out of his way to invite Kuroo, the least he could do is to push himself a little out of his own comfort zone. If he can find a suitable excuse to leave after the movie, the rest doesn’t sound too bad. It’s just watching movies after all, they won’t be interacting actively. He looks at the mirror one more time to encourage himself.

“ _Yes, I can get through this. For the sake of progress.”_

He takes his backpack and peeks at Bokuto's table once more. There are 3 people other than Bokuto, one of them has an undercut and several tattoos on his arms, he seems to be the closest one to Bokuto. Another one has light brown hair and an uncaring facial expression, he seems more down to earth than others. Lastly, a woman with small build and puffy cheeks, she seems like the most responsible in the group, probably tries to tone down the others’ stupid shenanigans. Kuroo takes his last sip from the cup, throwing it into the bin he closes in on the table.

Bokuto's friends look at Kuroo with question marks while Bokuto enthusiastically turns around.

“Kuroo! Please say that you decided to join us.”

“Yes, I'll come to the movies with you. Hello everyone.” He shyly waves at the people.

“Guys, this is Kuroo and he's in fine arts. This is Yuuji, he’s in the same major as me. These are Konoha and Misaki, they are studying to be engineers.”

Misaki grins at Kuroo and shouts a warm greeting while the others kindly smile, Kuroo feels it will be easier than he initially thought it would be. Gathering their belongings and paying for the tab, they start walking down the street.

 

**

 

“Oh maaaan, I’ve never laughed this much, it was hilarious!”

Terushima stretches as he wipes away the teardrops from the corner of his eyes. He and Bokuto were almost being thrown out of the theater because they were being loud, though it was quite fun for Kuroo to watch these two laughing at the top of their lungs. Konoha and Misaki are in their own worlds, a little separate from the others. Kuroo's gaze leaves them be, he decides to focus on Bokuto and Terushima.

“ _Are they going out?_ ” is the first question pops up in Kuroo's mind after watching them for a while. They seem extremely comfortable around each other, they call one another by their first names while Konoha and Misaki refer to them as Bokuto and Terushima. Terushima casually dips his hands into Bokuto's pockets or Bokuto throws his arms around Terushima and pulls him into a hug without a hint of reluctance. And watching this… is sending shivers down Kuroo's spine, shaking him in an unpleasant way from the core of his being. He swallows the saliva getting thick in his mouth, trying to avert his gaze but failing like his eyes glued to the boys’ movements.

Kuroo clenches his fist, hoping for a miracle that will save him from the state of mind that's been creeping in from the depths of his mind. The last thing he needs is a trip down the memory lane, bringing the pain back he’s been trying so hard to deal with and let go through therapy and medication. _"~ro"_ He needs to focus and count, from 1 to 10 or to any number he can manage. _"~roo"_ Nails starting to dig into his palms, Kuroo feels he's excessively sweating and wonders if it's visible. Maybe yes, maybe not.

"Kuroo!"

Bokuto's voice snaps him awake. He blinks in confusion while Bokuto stares back at his face. Kuroo averts his gaze as if Bokuto is able to read minds, his fingers immediately scratching the nape.

"I-uh... I'm sorry I guess I'm tired after all."

Kuroo's eyes slowly come back to meet Bokuto's eyes.

"Looks like it." Bokuto retorts with an expression Kuroo cannot fully decipher. He stares a second more before turning towards Terushima.

"Yuuji, I'll escort Kuroo to his house, we'll meet tomorrow as we planned, alright?"

"Oh, okay Kou." Terushima leans in to peck Bokuto's cheek.

"Se ya later everyone!" Bokuto waves at everyone and grabbing him by the arm, he not-so-lightly drags Kuroo before he can properly bid farewell to others.

"So!" Bokuto shouts as they walk side by side to the opposite direction his friends are heading. "How do we get to your apartment?"

"Uhm, actually we had to head towards the same direction as your friends." Kuroo forces a chuckle. "But it's okay, we'll be taking a little detour."

Bokuto's eyes widen at the mistake, a blush so pink faintly paints his cheeks and nose.

"Sorry, I didn't think before acting. I just-" He takes a deep breath before continuing. "I wanted to talk to you about something."

No matter how hard Kuroo tries to swallow, the lump in his throat doesn't go away. Bokuto seems like he wants to talk about something serious, Kuroo doesn't have a clue what could it be though this doesn't prevent his stomach flipping at the possibilities. Bokuto doesn't let Kuroo's mind go wild, he continues a couple of second later.

"You seemed a bit upset there, are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm okay."

"Are you sure? I thought you were... I don't know, maybe, uncomfortable?"

Bokuto's eyes are glued to the pavement, this gives Kuroo time to study his expression. What would make Bokuto blush and fidget this much?

"What do you mean by uncomfortable?"

"Okay, I'm gonna be honest and hope you won't freak out. I thought you were uncomfortable because I'm... gay." Bokuto's words start to crumble as his voice drops. "Maybe seeing us like that repulsed you, I don't know."

"Oh..." Kuroo tries to process everything Bokuto said. "OH! I don't have anything against gays."

Bokuto's expression changes from nervous to surprised, then from thankful to joyous in mere seconds. Coming out for once and saying "Hey, me too!" would be a huge change for Kuroo, considering his history of coming out involves only two people and look where he ended up; left alone with unmanageable emotions and a phone's never silent. Yet he doesn't talk, doesn't even open his mouth. He only parts his mouth slightly to bite on the inside of his lower lip. Just so he makes sure he stays silent. So he makes sure to protect their status quo.

"Ah man! I'm so relieved! I literally died for a second there, whew! I'm glad we're okay."

Bokuto pats Kuroo on the shoulder excitedly as they turn and continue walking towards the station. Kuroo's only response to Bokuto's thrill is an awkward smile along with a huff that's not meant to be sarcastic though Kuroo fears that it may end up like that. Bokuto gasps audibly, gripping Kuroo's upper arm.

"We should celebrate it!!"

"Celebrate what?"

Bokuto shots a grin, bright as ever.

"You're my number 20! The 20th person I came out to."

"Y-yeah, we should."

Bokuto starts making plans as they take the elevator down to the subway. In the meantime, only one question circulates in Kuroo's mind, envelopes and churns his stomach.

" _Coming out really feel that good?_ "  


	3. Chapter 3

The first step to solving a problem is to accept that there is a problem.

And Kuroo is sure he's able to address the problem.

So why is he still going through hell on his couch, Bokuto's sitting next to him, stuffing his cheeks with popcorn until he looks like a chipmunk, adorable as fuck?

That's right.

He's going through hell mainly because Bokuto's sitting next to him, stuffing his cheeks with popcorn until he looks like a chipmunk. And he looks damn adorable.

It's been around 4 months since their first meeting at the library. It started with little get-togethers like the movies or a little snack time in the afternoon. They gradually started to meet on a regular basis, they'd arrange a dinner twice in a month, sometimes with Bokuto's group but mostly the two of them. He wondered if Bokuto realized Kuroo would sometimes get nervous during the meetings with Terushima and the others. It was a possibility since Bokuto was quite sharp when it came to his surroundings. Whatever the reason was, Kuroo is more comfortable with the way things are.

Now they meet once a week, apart from the times when Bokuto is at the cafe. Though Kuroo is working and Bokuto is conversing with his friends so there is not much interaction aside from occasional glances or nods here and there. They probably don't need to because they even go to each others' houses to watch movies or to basically hang out. Eyeing Bokuto who's sitting next to him, munching on popcorn they just made before cracking up their favorite TV show, Kuroo feels his stomach flipping.

It's both a good sign because Kuroo knows what this is from previous experience. He can hear the bells chiming and angel choir singing in the back when Bokuto cracks a laugh or see flowers blooming in the background when he looks Kuroo's way; he's fallen in love. It's also a bad sign because of the exact same reasons and he really doesn’t want to pursue these feelings. It didn’t end up beautifully previously, there is no guarantee that history won't repeat itself.

" _Ending a relationship is not why I'm reluctant, I know we are bound to face hardships or may want to separate from each other one day. Heck, we may even fight and never want to talk ever again. Still, there is a line between people that shouldn't be crossed no matter how angry or 'right' one can be. What should we call it, being civilize- "_

"Kuroo? What are you thinking about?"

Bokuto's curious gaze pierces through Kuroo's skin as he forces a chuckle.

"I-uh, I dozed off again, sorry."

"It happens quite often these days, you're okay?"

He sounds utterly concerned and that's exactly why Kuroo feels cornered. Bokuto continues before Kuroo manages to come up with a lame excuse,

"Do you think maybe your medication has that kind of side effect? You recently changed one of them."

Kuroo is amazed that Bokuto knows how they affect the body. He doesn’t hide the surprised tone in his voice.

"Hmm you're right," he nods, "maybe that's the reason. Have you ever used psychiatric meds before? You seem knowledgeable."

Bokuto huffs, half pouting and embarrassed. He fiddles with the hem of his sweatshirt, lowering his head.

"Don't look at me like that, I wanted to understand what you've been going through so I _maaay_ or _may not_ have been searching things."

Kuroo pauses before he unintentionally lets out a sputter, his body folding in two. Bokuto whines humorously, starts punching and tickling Kuroo. They tumble over the couch as their giggles fill the room, to a point of overcoming the sound of the television. Kuroo doesn't know how to emotionally respond. Especially when Bokuto is all over him, their faces so close.

His first (and maybe natural? No, scratch that) reaction is the fluttering sensation emerging from his core but Kuroo does his best to ignore those feelings. The urge to suppress them overcomes the joy it brings.

The second wave comes as gratitude;, Kuroo feels, this time, he's on the right track. He looks into Bokuto's eyes, staying silent for a second. Words escape Kuroo's lungs in one breath.

"I didn't mean it as a joke. I am so thankful for your words, you have no idea."

Bokuto's eyes wander on Kuroo's features, tracing every inch and he lets himself plop on Kuroo with a loud thud. He buries his head in the curve of Kuroo's neck as TV does nothing but provide a dull background noise. So dull next to Kuroo's heart beat that he prays with every fiber of his being so Bokuto won't notice. Bokuto finally cuts into the applauds coming from the TV.

"I just want you to be okay. And help you, in any way I can."

A single tear drop leaves the corner of Kuroo's eye, trails down towards his temple, survives the fall and lands on Bokuto's cheek. While Bokuto jolts at the touch and gets up to see Kuroo, he immediately gets rid of the tears forcing their way out.

Both straighten themselves on the couch, sitting across each other. Kuroo dries his cheeks, shakes his head to indicate he is okay. Bokuto invitingly opens his arms wide, expecting a hug. Reluctant, Kuroo closes in and their bodies come in contact.

_He's dark._

_He's intoxicating._

_He's unwanted yet Kuroo yearns for more._

_Like a huge swamp, awaiting to devour Kuroo as a whole._

_He squeezes, squeezes, squeezes but it's never enough._

_Kuroo wants to let go yet his nails don't agree. Unintentionally, they dig into the other's sturdy back; so broad, reliable._

_"1, 2, 3. This isn't happening. This isn't happening," he chants. "I'm fine. 4, 5. I need to count. 5... 5..."_

Kuroo abruptly separates from Bokuto and gets up. Excusing himself, he slowly walks towards the kitchen to pour himself a glass of water and some coffee for Bokuto. Then, walks back to the couch, just like that they fall into a comfortable silence, allowing TV to take over. Kuroo calms a little more each second, without being able to foresee what's yet to come.

 

**

 

An hour pass as they start another comedy movie, tired from all the laughter. Kuroo leaves for kitchen to replenish the snacks as Bokuto shouts from the living room.

"Oi Kuroo, your phone is ringing."

His stomach drops at the thought of who the caller might be.

" _Opening a damn potato chip box couldn't get any harder_ ," he hisses as the pieces inside spread all over the counter. Kuroo retorts in a voice he thinks composed but is obviously jittery.

"Pay no mind, I'm coming!"

Suddenly the kitchen is too hot, too confining. The coffee machine is too noisy, the TV is too noisy, everything is _too damn noisy and repetitive_.

" _What if he-_ 1\. 2. _-what if he has found me again?"_ He thinks, trying to count. _"_ 3\. 4. 5 _... Good... Argh, fuck!_ 5\. 6. _I changed my number so many times already, I'm sick of it!_ 7, 8, 9, 10! _"_

He takes a deep breath and exhales as if his anxiety will physically pour out of his mouth.

" _I'm good. I'm okay._ "

He hesitantly picks up the phone, hoping that his reluctance will change the outcome for good. However, it doesn't happen. There's an unknown number and Kuroo knows who it is, more than he likes to admit. Locking the screen, he continues acting like nothing happened.

He knows he's being watched by Bokuto, though he ignores  the questioning gaze wandering upon his face. Buzzing of the phone doesn't help no matter how many times Kuroo ends the incoming call.

"You sure you won't get that?"

"No, I'm sure it's not important."

"Whoever the person is, calls quite frequently."

Bokuto lightly gasps before continuing.

"If it's a stalker or something, I can talk to them instead!"

"Ugh Bokuto, no. It's not a stalker." Kuroo tries to regain his composure, irritated how easily he hits the jackpot. "Just not in the mood for phone talking, leave it be."

"Okay okay, whatever you say."

Bokuto huffs in annoyance, shifts his focus towards TV. Now the buzzing and clicking have become a rhythmic sound in the living room. Kuroo doesn't want to completely turn it off, it would look more suspicious and he doesn't want to face its consequences.

" _Who knows, he might even know where I live!_ "

"It just seems weird," Bokuto mumbles without looking away from the screen.

"Oh, now you get to decide what's weird and what's not, huh?"

Their exchange slowly turns into a heated argument.

"I'm not deciding anything, just offered my opinion. Am I not allowed to?"

"Maybe you'd like to keep it to yourself when it's about my business?"

Yeah, obviously I'm in the wrong of caring and wanting to get to know you better. I thought we were friends."

"FRIENDS??"

Like the silence that falls on the land right before a huge explosion in movies, Kuroo’s ears go deaf for a while, the monster’s urge to break free from his chains circulates through his body, taking over his limbs and reminding himself with every pulse: “Set me free.”

He is able to adjust its shackles and manages to keep all of it in solely because, even if it’s true that Bokuto triggers him, it's actually Kuroo's fault to feel this way. It's because his way of defining and categorizing the concepts regarding his relationships or values.

He's especially specific about friendship, being the most important aspect of his life. If Bokuto has a friend, it is most certainly Terushima, not Kuroo. He is slow to open up, not too comfortable with physical contact until he becomes close and he has to share a lot, know a lot about the other before he can genuinely call them a _friend._  

 _Friend, friend, friend, friend, friend!_ It's such a toxic word, polluting Kuroo's mind and diluting the intensity of his emotions. It angers Kuroo how others take friendship too lightly; in the end people fight each other for stupid reasons, not being able to mend anything because their bonds were weak in the first place.

The mountain Kuroo has to climb is especially unreachable with Terushima setting the bar in the sky, far above on Kuroo. He has always told himself it would be enough to go at his pace but obviously, it did him no good. Terushima’s image, the way he acts around Bokuto plays over and over in Kuroo's mind like a broken record.

Terushima’s the mountain itself he has to conquer, the role model he has to become and the king he has to overthrow from his throne he’s sitting on in Bokuto's heart. Yet he is insecure, too afraid to approach, feeling guilty because of the _true nature_ of his emotions; as if he is tricking Bokuto into being friends while not being completely honest about his feelings. In the end, Kuro riles himself up with the stupidest details and impossible scenarios, while Bokuto doesn't have the slightest idea about the roaring hurricane inside him.

Bokuto is not the one to blame.

However, Kuroo cannot come to a halt. 

“Do you really think we are friends? Terushima is your friend, Konoha and Misaki are probably your friends but not me! No, We’re not friends -”

 _Yet,_ is how Kuroo wants to end his sentence but Bokuto doesn't let him.

“Yeah, apparently we are not. I just learned the most valuable lesson in my life, thank you very much. "

Bokuto's eyes are glistening with tears urging to break free, he hurriedly takes his backpack from the floor next to the couch, rushes towards the front door and opens it. Turning back and meeting Kuroo's eyes one more time, Kuroo wants to say something, _anything_ to stop Bokuto, to stop himself from completely destroying what they have been trying to establish for the past 4 months but the lump in his throat is blocking the airway to the point of choking him. Bokuto bites on his lower lip, sniffles and searches for _something_ in Kuroo's features before speaking.

" Sorry for the intrusion. "

Light thud the door makes as Bokuto shuts it close and his last words echo in the empty living room. Kuroo stands still, left alone to rot in his own darkness once again.

 


	4. Chapter 4

_Centuries’ worth of regret flows right under his skin, crawls through his veins. Metal fence he put himself voluntarily feels cold against his bare skin. A silent waterfall wastes away itself, an infinite downpour melts into thin air, only to continue its neverending journey. True, he has the key to his own salvation. However, playing the martyr have always been easier, rather than saving and throwing oneself into turmoil again._

  
  
_What he does is not beneficial, he agrees. Though, he has no strength to move an inch, no spark to ignite his burning body. He needs to be in the middle of continuous change so he can forgive and forget, yet he's so still. So still that his limbs ache, even his eyes don't roam in the cage he's been inside for the past week?/night?/month? -he’s not sure. Gaze fixed on a face whose features have vanished, only the outline is present. He doesn't want the image to escape his memory, a chance to clench at the details, to engrave them into the curves and bumps of his brain, to never let go is his dying wish. Like an ostentatious temple made out of ice, everything's slowly, but surely, turning into water and flooding his precious little safe._

_Time passes, the view is motionless like a fossil found in dirt, rotten to the core, forgotten. The need for change is diminished, gaze turns to self, so judgmental and belittling. In his armor of dragon scale that took his lifetime to forge, feeling invincible is actually just a petty excuse. A narrow-minded justification to ignore his own misery._

 

_His inner turmoil is a mere mirror image of the thunders and bolts of lightning outside._

 

 

**

 

Dull light emitted from the fridge brightens Kuroo's swollen bags under his eyes, forming sneaky shadows under the sunken cheeks. He stares and stares and stares, the fridge continues being empty and that forces Kuroo to spend the last bit of effort on getting annoyed at the sight. He doesn't know what day is it or is it December already. The blinds are always closed so he cannot get a hold of the time either.

" _I got out of the house only once after we had that aggravating fight with... Hell, I can survive on only a slice of bread, anyways._ "

That's what he eats during the times he's awake; a piece of bread, half of an apple or whatever's edible in the kitchen. He has a singlet on him that he wore, like, a week ago? Kuroo cannot dare to look at himself, the singlet grows bigger and bigger every day, the bones have become one with his slightly tanned skin and from there, he can feel the fabric touching or grazing his rib cage. He cannot meet his own eyes in the mirror, knows he will break down in that instant if he does. He's gone through the same state before, he sure knows how he'll end up.

Closing the door, he drags his feet to the couch he's been practically living on. The scenario keeps playing in his head, over and over and over, as if he is obsessed with the conspiracies. He has different answers for every time he reenacts the scene, a different explanation that could close the distance that's been forming between them like a canyon. " _It's futile,_ " he reminds himself, he's done the worst he could and has to suffer in this hell hole.

Nearing the window, he ajars the blinds. Not being able to escape the direct hit of sun rays even though he instinctively covered his eyes, Kuroo deduces that it's around 4 pm. After all, he has nothing left in the kitchen and needs to actually step out of his house to get something to eat. He grabs the sweatshirt thrown somewhere over the couch, takes his wallet and keys. With trembling hands, he turns the key inside the keyhole, pushes down the knob. Daylight and fresh air rush inside, only now he realizes how bad his living conditions are, how critical the situation is. Feet hesitating to move, he stands there, eyes fixed on the doormat that says "NICE UNDERWEAR!"; something he thought would be a funny way to greet others back then and bought almost immediately. Now it's far from being funny, leaves the worst taste; it was the first thing Bokuto loved about Kuroo's house. He laughed hard and pestered Kuroo on telling the shop he got it. Kuroo insisted on gifting it to Bokuto but he refused adamantly. Later on, Kuroo had bought one for him secretly. Now it's in a box, with a cute wrapping that has small cats on it, Bokuto's favorite pet. Like a plague, it muddles Kuroo's mind.

Clicking his tongue, he locks the door, steps on the doormat harder than he should and slowly furthers down the stairs. The breeze sends a chill down Kuroo's spine, a nice way to get his senses back. He almost dares to say that city is changed, under the setting sun everything looks bolder and filtered through a kaleidoscope, too bright and cheerful for Kuroo. Nevertheless, he tries to force himself to walk a little more, his body is sore from being too motionless. He spends around 20 minutes outside, aimlessly wandering from one street to another, finally entering a local market, getting some bread and fresh fruits.

He returns to his apartment and climbs the stairs. Turning the key in the hole, the door opens in only one turn. Clearly remembering he had locked the door before leaving, Kuroo's stomach drops, anxiety kicking in. The place is dark and messy like he left it and nothing seems to have changed in the living room. He tries to be silent, lightly leaving grocery bags on the floor at the entrance, he tries to come up with plausible options. He takes off his shoes, doesn't turn on the lights and on tiptoes he moves forward into the living room, towards the hallway. As he furthers inside, he hears rattling sounds coming from his room.

At the cost of breaking it in two, he takes the lightsaber from its stand on the wall so he can guard himself if something goes wrong. He finally hears a person's voice, mostly grumbling meaningless words. Kuroo can see a yellow light flickering inside the room, he thinks it's either a burglar or an arsonist, though the latter option is less likely. Right when he is about to enter the room, a sudden roar from the stranger fills the silent house.

"AAARRRRGGHHH!!"

Entering a screaming contest with the stranger, Kuroo abruptly turns around and starts running for his dear life. He hears the stranger's loud stomping behind him and he's too scared to turn back and face the other. His trembling hands fail at finding the door knob as the stranger closes in on Kuroo and grabs his shoulder.

"Hey, it's alright, it's me!"

Kuroo reaches for the light switch, all jittery and panting from the unexpected excitement in his life. Upon turning he sees...

"Bokuto..?"

"Yeah, it's me. You came back sooner than I thought, I didn't mean to sca-"

"What the fuck...." Kuroo sighs exasperatedly as he leans on the door, slowly sliding and plopping on the floor. Bokuto squats in front him so he can face Kuroo.

"Are you okay? I'm really really sorry. I messed up again, ain't I?"

Only then Kuroo is able to face Bokuto, he raises his head to meet the other's eyes, noticing the pain in his expression.

"Kuroo... You look-"

Kuroo firmly cuts into Bokuto's sentence, the last thing he wants to talk about is his current situation.

"Uhm, never mind me. Why are you here? And... Why are you holding a cake in your hand?"

A rueful smile sets on Bokuto's lips.

"Oh, this? I wanted to apologize to you for my behavior, after congratulating you on your birthday of course. "

"Today's..."

"Yeah, " Bokuto bares his teeth, "17th of November! Though, the cake has tilted a little while I was running."

Fighting back the tears, Kuroo tries to gulp down the lump in his throat.

"Why haven't you called?"

"Do you really think I didn't??" Bokuto leaves the small birthday cake next to him and sits across Kuroo, crossing his legs. "I am, actually we are, trying to get a hold of you for days. I went to the cafe and talked to the manager but you haven't been to work for days either. I came to your door a couple of times and knocked. Since you haven't answered, I thought you went somewhere. Sorry, but I was desperate and forced the manager to told me about your situation, I was so worried. "

He lowers his head in front, fiddling with his fingers.

"Manager called me today, saying she saw some light earlier this morning. I wanted it to be my last resort but I decided to use your emergency keys. I didn't mean it to be a surprise, then it sounded cool in my head... Apparently, it wasn't."

"Saeko even told you the place of the keys? I guess I'm the worst -"

Extending his hand, Bokuto affectionately smiles.

"How about we wash your face first? You'll feel better and we can talk better while we are seated."

A couple of minutes later, they are seated next to each other with awkward silence and nervous fidgeting. Bokuto clears his throat before continuing, however, in the end, he cannot sit still on the couch. He gets up and starts walking up and down.

"I really need to apologize to you." His voice is shaky for an unknown reason. "I wanted to get to know you better, yet I pushed you unnecessarily. If you don't want to tell me something about your life, that's okay. I shouldn't have gotten greedy and made you uncomfortable. The manager told me that you have gone through a similar phase in the past, that I should be patient and cautious while trying to help you. My instincts told me to act upon my feelings, it wasn't the best choice obviously. "

As Bokuto walks and continues talking in the quiet room, Kuroo watches his figure in a reticent manner; all these weeks he tried to distant himself and cut whatever there is in him for the gray haired boy. He suffered, true. However, he thought he could endure it. Go through it all and be the victor in this mess called _relationship_. Now he thinks the opposite, all of his efforts were clearly in vain. He is still madly in love with Bokuto. Without ever realizing the turmoil in him, Bokuto continues on explaining himself.

"I really don't know what came over me... I wanted to reach out to you no matter what, I guess... " Bokuto closes in on Kuroo, kneeling before him and taking his hands into his own.

"Would you be able to forgive me?"

Kuroo huffs, finally managing to smile in a very long time. He squeezes Bokuto's hands back.

"I'm sorry for distancing myself and snapping at you, it's just... An unpleasant part of my life I'd like to avoid at all costs. Not because I don't trust you or your judgment. I want it to be locked away for good. I'm sorry you had to see me like this."

Sighing, Bokuto gets up, Kuroo following suit. They stand in front of each other, much closer than normal. Kuroo can feel Bokuto's breath brushing his skin, tingling sensation envelopes his body.

Bokuto's fingertips graze Kuroo's temple, furthering into his hair and then down to neckline. His touch is so soft and fragile, almost like he's touching a bubble, afraid of bursting it. Kuroo is amazed once again at how gentle he is, compared to his huge build. He is suddenly reminded of how thin and ugly he is next to Bokuto, a wave of self-hatred floods his being, urging to take over the control. However, Bokuto doesn't let him lose his grounding, firmly holding him from the shoulders. He continues in a voice so delicate, Kuroo gets carried away immediately.

"Maybe it's not the nicest thing to talk about but we need to properly feed you first, then I will clean the house for you while you get some rest, alright? You had the manager and her brother in the past, now you also have me. Please, use me to your advantage. I'll be here for you, no matter what or how many times you call."

Kuroo finally cannot keep it in, warm tears slowly let themselves roll on his cheeks, slowly falling in space between. Bokuto cheerfully cups Kuroo's cheeks.

"Now now, no need for crying!! Let's hope these are happy tears, haha."

" _It's unbearable,_ " is what Kuroo thinks. An unfair grin shines bright right in front of his eyes. So pleasant, as if cherry blossoms blooming. So savory, almost as if Kuroo can taste it.

"Bokuto, please stop smiling."

"Hm?"

He raises a brow, scratching his nape, all puzzled.

" _How blind one can be towards his own traits,_ " Kuroo sighs. With a smile so ravishing, he can enchant anyone he desires. Still, he's here with Kuroo. " _It must mean something,_ " he dares to hope with all his might.

"Otherwise, I will not be able to contain myself and kiss you."

Kuroo's words hit Bokuto like a brick, clearly. He can read the transition from one expression to another, finally settling down on a sly smirk of his. With a mere step, Bokuto devours the last bit of air that is separating the two, the only restraint that is keeping Kuroo from pouring himself over Bokuto. He takes Kuroo's chin between his index finger and thumb, leveling the raven haired boy's head a little higher. His voice has no hint of sweetness as it had before. It's sending shivers down Kuroo's spine in a totally different context now.

"Oh please," Bokuto purrs onto Kuroo's lips. "Kiss me and you will see how important I am."

Just like that, Kuroo dines on Bokuto's lips, finally admitting his undying hunger. Kuroo is sure that no one will be able to quench this thirst, even Bokuto himself; he just can't get enough of Bokuto's taste, tongues sliding on and under each other, teeth nipping at the other's lips. Bokuto wraps his toned arms around Kuroo's thin waist so easily and Kuroo has never felt this content before in his lifetime. Their foreheads touch and they stay silent for a minute, eyes closed, only their heartbeats are heard. 

"Goodness, how come you're this smooth..." Kuroo huffs, a soft smile stretching his lips.

"I'm just quoting people, nothing new, " Bokuto chuckles as he presses his body gently to Kuroo's, as if he's holding the most delicate object he's ever laid hands on. 

"You've come at a really bad time, Bokuto..." Kuroo sighs as he unwillingly parts from Bokuto's warmth. He asks why, caressing Kuroo's cheekbones with the pad of his thumbs.

"Because, " he pauses a second before continuing, contemplating on whether it's the right thing to say, "uh... I'm not okay right now. Yeah, I was more or less struggling with mental health issues when we met but now... I'm a huge mess, it takes great time and effort just to get up on my feet and-"

"Then I couldn't come at a better time! " Bokuto cheers. "What did I just say? Accept me as your ally and you'll see how eager I am to be beside you. We'll shoulder this together, it doesn't matter how long it will take."

"But-"

"No buts. I am ready to fight, come what may, as long as you want me here. What's your response?"

Bokuto earnestly looks into Kuroo's eyes, anticipating his answer. Words fail Kuroo, he's too overwhelmed to from meaningful words, let alone sentences. He only nods in response and that's enough of a gesture for Bokuto to once again wrap Kuroo up in that striking arms of his. 

"How was the song? Hmm.. Ah, yes!" Bokuto starts humming. "I love freaks, I don't care if you're a wild one~~!"

His laughter fills the room while Kuroo jokingly scrunches his nose, disgusted.

"Quotes were okay but cheesy song lyrics??"

"One can never have enough cheesy song lyrics in their lives, Tetsurou."

Kuroo sudders at the sound of his name, how casual and _right_ it pours out of Bokuto's lips. He takes Kuroo by the hand, leading him into the bedroom. There are birthday decorations hastily plastered on the walls, the sight draws a tired chuckle out of Kuroo. Bokuto helps Kuroo changing his clothes and tucks him in, kissing his forehead.

"I'll clean the house, shop and cook a little. You get some rest, okay? "

"You'll be here when I wake up, right?"

"That's right, Tetsurou. Sweet dreams."

Bokuto lightly shuts the door behind him. Soon, vacuum's roaring mixing into Bokuto's soft singing, reaches Kuroo's ears. 

" _It must be the mellowest lullaby._ "

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song Bokuto sings is Tove Lo's Moments.

**Author's Note:**

> The title is taken from Sylvia Plath's published diaries. Her writing is always a huge influence.


End file.
